To the person who said, "the episodes are never too long," I'm terribly sorry.

Time for the most traditional holiday celebration: A science lesson.

America's worst radioactive accident isn't Three Mile Island, and the Nazi nuclear physicist wasn't assassinated by the famous baseball player.

Sometimes we need a quiet moment in order to step back and look at the bigger picture.

Sure, thorium could provide practically limitless clean energy, but then we couldn't build weapons of mass destruction.

We all know that radioactive rocks glow in the dark, except they actually don't, except for when they actually do.

Out of all the characters who encounter radium in this episode, the only one to emerge unscathed is the guy who comes face-to-face with Satan.

You don't have to have a degree to do science, but it helps.

You know something's amiss when you set off the radiation alarms while walking in to the nuclear power plant.

The story of astatine takes us to Alabama, Dacca, Romania, Vienna, and California, but definitely not Switzerland.

Sadly, it's no longer possible to purchase this lethally radioactive element for fifteen cents and a cereal boxtop.

The periodic table shows the natural patterns and trends among the elements. Bismuth does not abide.

We just can't seem to stop chasing the sweet, sweet taste of element 82.

In which we learn how reading mystery novels might very well save a life.

Even if you hate tuna, have flawless teeth, and only use digital thermometers, humans have historically not been shy about getting a mouthful of mercury.

All other metals step aside, because today we deal with the king of elements.

Sometimes, being set in stone isn't permanent enough.

Alvarez noticed a great disturbance in the rocks, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.

This entire episode serves as cautionary advice to anyone seeking to add osmium to their element collection.

Witness an incredible, unbreakable bond between two who couldn't be more alike. We'll also learn about a married couple.

All right, everybody settle down. Welcome to the weekly meeting of the National Association Of W Lovers.

Once more, the periodic table drags us to hell -- this time by way of ancient Greece.

The science suggests hafnium can't be used to create a gamma ray bomb, but that won't stop the U.S. government from trying.

Let us ensure we remember the lanthanide series before we leave it behind once and for all.

When Johann Bottger failed to turn lead into gold, porcelain made a pretty good consolation prize.

We'll go to the land of the ice and snow... and figure out exactly where that is, too.

Element 68 plays an important role in stitching together the World Wide Web -- for better or for worse.

Hello, Listener. Under better circumstances, you would be learning about erbium right about now. Unfortunately, that episode is not quite ready yet. Between my day job and the possibility of a very big move in my near future, I simply haven't had enough time to create a quality episode according to my usual schedule -- and I probably won't be able to for the next couple weeks, either. However, I didn't want to just fall off the face of the earth. So I hope you'll accept my apologies for the delay in our regularly scheduled programming. Instead, today and for the following two Mondays, I'll post reviews of chemistry books that might interest an element enthusiast like yourself. It's not the same as a new episode, but I hope it counts for something while you wait for me to give erbium the attention it deserves and produce a proper episode. That episode will be published on Monday, October 5, by hook or by Crooke's tube. In the meantime, thank you for your patience and for being a listener.

Holmium: Equally beloved by theoretical physicists and Jedi Knights.

You spin me right round, baby, right round, like a windmill, baby, right round round round.

For more than one reason, element 65 makes the short list of "most annoying elements."

Like Luke Skywalker, today's tale takes a farmboy to greatness.

If you enjoy The Episodic Table Of Elements, please consider nominating the show for a Podcast Award.

As element collectors, may we all one day be as fortunate as Frank Harold Spedding.

We hear all sorts of incredible stories on this podcast, but today we'll meet the most unbelievable character of all time: A friendly bureaucrat.

We've met mythological light-bearers before, but this one possesses a decidedly nobler spirit.

Decades of complex geopolitical chaos ultimately result in one afternoon's rather embarrassing hospital visit.

Sometimes, the most interesting aspect of an element has nothing to do with chemistry at all.

It's the most common flint you'll find, except it's not actually flint at all.

Let's uncover element 57, and find out why the "rare earths" are neither rare nor earths nor an empire.

When you really want to suck all the air out of a room, barium will help you out.

We'll trace the history of the most important caesium-based technology all the way back to its original roots: a stick.

Truly strange things start to happen when you breathe this rarefied air.

We'll pull in our elemental haul from the sea while Lady Jane Davy spits in the ocean.

Collecting elements can be risky business. Tellurium is one of those elements that poses a dire threat -- not to one's health, but to the element collector's reputation in polite society.

It's like an Everlasting Gobstopper, but Willy Wonka is a fratricidal German monk.

We've palled around with tin for thousands of years, but you should know that it's a fair-weather friend.

The story of indium is pretty straightforward, but its namesake is practically impossible to pin down.

Cadmium will let you choose among a range of orange-ish hues, but it's some pretty awful news if you contract the "cadmium blues."

Silver is more than just a precious metal. It's also a reflection of ourselves.

Those people who've been involved with palladium's history seem to harbor a dubious predilection for stretching the truth.

For some people, rhodium's most important aspect is its high price. For others, it's absolutely priceless.

Element 44 is technically not named for Russia... but perhaps it should be.

It's only after we gave up searching for this element that we found it out in the universe.

Before we talk about one big gun, let's discuss 1,500 years of military technology.

We delve into elemental etymology today, and get to investigate a chemical phenomenon.

Today, we reach the last element on the periodic table -- but only alphabetically speaking.

Welcome to the sleepy Swedish town of Ytterby. I hope you like it, because we'll be spending an awful lot of time there later in the series.

Let's look past the bad reputation this element has to learn how it's an essential part of an idyllic childhood.

Rubidium is more explosive than the alkali metals above it on the table, but it's much more interesting when it's standing almost perfectly still.

Like argon, today's noble gas coincidentally features prominently in science fiction -- albeit in name only. But krypton also takes a place in the science factual story of international weights and measures.

Don't get too excited, because bromine is an element that brings the hammer down on both extreme emotions and extreme actions.

Throughout history, copying information has been arduous, messy, and even dangerous -- until one bored, depressed man figured out the secrets of selenium.

Considering how synonymous this episode's element is with "poison," it's shocking how eager people have historically been to ingest the stuff.

Silicon gets all the press, but germanium was the real trailblazer of the Information Age.

Meet one of the periodic table's lesser-known liquid metals -- and beware some dangerous competition from a few felonious element collectors.

Learn about some of Italy's most renowned chemists and how they inspired a most gruesome quest to conquer death.

We get lost in the woods with a couple of little guys in today's episode, and learn about a lesser-known American Civil War.

From religion to money to politics, nickel finds itself at the center of all kinds of awkward conversations.

Cobalt is a tricksy little element, which means the scientists who've dealt with it the most are some of the cleverest people to have ever walked the Earth.

Is iron a metal that's more valuable than gold, or are we forever trapped in its "hated shadow?"

From giant prehistoric sharks to clandestine Cold War projects, manganese is an element that has concealed a lot of secrets.

It might be tempting to speed right on by, but it's worth stopping for a moment to gaze at element 24.

From freeways to firefights to unfathomable depths, vanadium can often be found quietly doing the hardest work.

Titanium is an element valued as much for its beauty as its strength -- provided you can find a genuine sample of the stuff.

From jet fighters to sporting events to Low Earth Orbit, scandium seems to find itself at the center of conflict.

Stories of turning flesh to stone -- and vice versa -- are common in mythology. With calcium, we see how those same transitions can happen in the real world.

There's no avoiding discussing the banana in this episode, even though it really doesn't deserve its strong association with Element 19.

Today's element gets called "lazy," but that's actually a terrible misnomer.

Chlorine is an element that causes some extreme reactions, and occasionally inspires some pretty extreme reactions in humans, too.

From Vulcan to vultures, today's element brings stories of unintended consequences.

The history of phosphorus is largely a tale of people getting their hands dirty. Very, very dirty.

From prehistoric times right through today, our hand-held tools have been made of silicon.

Listen to some of the pointless arguments caused by element 13, and take a look at the argument-filled history of one sharp aluminum point.

Magnesium makes for quite a fireworks display, whether inside your body or out.

Turns out ancient sages and seers might've actually known a thing or two. Also, is there a good reason for sodium's chemical symbol? Na.

Neon may no longer be "the new one," but it might have a better claim to the name than any other element on the periodic table.

Just *try* to tally the body count behind the periodic table's most reactive element, and learn why you should drink it.

Element 8 brings us two different stories about a population that gets a little too swept up in the latest craze, happening to commit mass murder in the process.

Today we meet one man who's responsible for the death of millions -- and the survival of billions.

Learn why carbon is the foundation of all life on Earth as we investigate a chemist's suicide, death by air pollution, and one very, very cold murder case.

Today, we look past boron's hard exterior to get to know its softer side. Its confusing, gooey, softer side.

As we try to dive deep into beryllium, we discover its irritating tendency to send us back to the beginning.

We cautiously approach this explosively reactive element and learn about its surprising ability to stabilize moods, with a brief foray into Bolivian economics along the way.

This week, we try to interact with helium, even though it really doesn't want to. Plus, we explore the occult side of chemistry as described by the theosophists.

As we investigate our first element, we'll meet warring balloonists, witness mass media's first major tragedy, and see how the tiniest mistake can cost a lot of money. Plus, we'll try to pin down where hydrogen belongs on the periodic table.

In our inaugural episode, we'll cover the creation of the periodic table before we start exploring each element one-by-one.

Wondering what sorts of things you might here on The Episodic Table of Elements? I've produced this brief teaser so you can get an idea of what kinds of stories you'll hear.